A Successful Relationship Relies on Generosity

By Mairi MacRae, LCSW-C
Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services

As most couples can attest, it takes hard work to maintain an intimate, stable and fulfilling relationship. Among the many elements that go into a successful partnership, such as values, sexuality, shared interests, parenting philosophies, housekeeping and finances, you might be surprised to hear that one trait stands out as contributing most positively to the  relationship. That quality is generosity.

The University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project looked at the role of generosity in the marriages of 2,870 men and women in a study published in 2011. Generosity was defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse [including expressing affection] freely and abundantly.”

“Generosity is going above and beyond the ordinary expectations with small acts of service and making an extra effort to be affectionate,” said research director W. Bradford Wilcox. The study found that the individuals who scored highest for generosity were much more likely to report that they were “very happy” in their marriages.

Sounds good, but what exactly does “a generous partnership” mean, and how do you get there?

• First, your partnership needs to have matured and developed to the point where you go beyond a focus on “me” — beyond the insecurity and selfishness that cause us to view a partner’s behavior primarily in terms of “How does this affect me?”

• If you conceive of a relationship as a competition between two partners, a competition focused on proving who is the better person, or who is going to get more out of it, you can’t have a generous or happy relationship.

• Blaming your partner for disappointments, failures and difficulties in your life will also prevent you from having a happy relationship.

• You have to reach the point where you see what was good and bad about relationships in the family or families you grew up in, so that you do not unthinkingly try to recreate family life as you experienced it, even if it was “perfect.”

• You need to be able to make conscious decisions about the kind of relationship you want, be able to communicate this with your partner, and then make any behavior changes needed to realize those decisions.

Once you develop to the point where you feel sufficiently secure in your ability to give, and your partner is also at this point, you will be able to focus on “we first,” rather than “me first.”  You can live in a relationship where you both give in a spirit of generosity, without fearing you will be taken advantage of, or that the relationship is unbalanced.

Here are some practical suggestions for achieving a generous relationship between partners:

• Give by doing daily practical acts of kindness — like cleaning the cat toilet, making dinner when your spouse has to work late or bringing occasional surprise gifts like flowers or your partner’s favorite ice cream.

• Give psychologically by supporting your partner’s dreams and goals.

• Have realistic expectations and don’t expect your partner to focus solely on your aspirations or problems at work.

• Say or do at least five positive things for each negative interaction with your partner, suggests John Gottman, marital researcher, Co-founder of the Gottman Relationship Institute, and author of 40 books including “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” and “What Makes Love Last?”

Generosity in a partnership involves a state of mind and the behavior, both words and actions that goes with it.  It’s a little like that bumper sticker that urges us to “practice random deeds of kindness” — only generosity in this context means deliberately and thoughtfully focusing on your partner. The more you practice generosity, the more it becomes a good habit, and the more it can nurture your relationship.

For more about the UVA study, see http://nationalmarriageproject.org, and “The Generous Marriage” by Tara Parker-Pope, The New York Times Magazine, December 8, 2011.

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200.

On Being an In-Law, not an Out-Law

By Mimi Kraus, LCSW-C
Therapy Services, Jewish Community Services, Baltimore, MD

There may be no relationship as “loaded” as the relationship between parents and the partners or spouses of your adult children. Mother-in-law jokes continue to be regular fodder for stand-up comedy acts.  Our culture seems to set us up to expect difficult relationships with our children’s “better halves.”

The territory is embedded with land mines.  Parents need to do a lot of letting go, as the spouse or partner takes center stage in our adult child’s life.   We may need to modify our expectations, especially if our child’s choice of a partner is not exactly what we’d hoped for.  The new couple will be making some decisions that their parents may not approve of or agree with, about everything from money management, to religious practice to child-rearing.

In addition to those land mines, factor in the influences of the “Machetonim”- the spouse’s family – and competition often rears its head, adding a new set of challenging dynamics! 

So what are adult parents to do? Is there a road map for this territory?

While there are not clear directions, there are some guide posts to keep in mind while exploring this new terrain which can help to avoid conflicts and explosions.

1.  Take Time to Get to Know Your Child’s Choice
Develop a personal relationship with your son or daughter’s partner.  Express interest in that person, and reach out with warmth while respecting his/her boundaries.  Avoid coming on too strong or peppering the person with questions, despite your natural interest and curiosity. Let the relationship develop at a pace comfortable to both of you. An investment in this relationship and a positive start will lay the foundation for a positive long-term relationship.  Be patient; it takes time.

2.  Beware of Expectations!
If you are the mother of three boys who has always longed for a daughter, be careful not to lay that expectation on your new daughter-in-law, who may not be looking for another mother.  Perhaps you’ve dreamed of weekly Sunday brunches with kids and grandkids running around, like the good times you remember from your childhood, but your kids have moved to Boston. Or what if they have decided not to have children?  Putting your expectations on your children will likely unearth one of those land mines!

3.  Avoid Competition with In-Laws
In this kind of competition, everyone loses. If your generosity to your adult child’s family comes with a hidden agenda, it will be received with the edge with which it was given.  Material gifts may be wonderful, but not if they are given to show up the in-laws or curry favor with the kids. If the competitive flag is raised by the in-laws, you don’t have to play into the game. Remember that your relationship with your children and their partners is unique and special, and that love cannot be bought.

4.   Restrain the Critic!
Remember that there is nothing like judgment and criticism to damage a relationship.  This is where tongue-biting restraint comes into play. You may have strong emotions about your child and his or her partner’s life choices, but critical and judgmental words will only serve to keep them far away. Most people respond to open and honest communication, but not when there is a whiff of blame, judgment or criticism in the air. So try to be open and honest about your feelings, without the sharp tongue.

In this unfamiliar territory, expect to make some mistakes. Learn from them, and keep on course between the guide posts. No one says navigating this journey is easy. But take the long view and keep in mind that the rewards of establishing good relationships between generations may add untold richness to all of your lives in the years ahead.

To read a blog by Bryan Kraus on “What 20-something adults need from their parents,” go to http://http://www.jcsbaltimore.org/2012/parent-talk/on-their-own-away-from-home-what-20-something-adults-need-most-from-their-parents/

To learn more about how JCS can help you solve life’s puzzles please visit jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-466-9200.

Learning That A Loved One is LGBTQ

By Lauren Carpenter
Access Services
Jewish Community Services
With the recent passage of Marriage Equality legislation in Maryland, more dialogue about lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning (LGBQT) issues is taking place in the media, in the workplace and in many homes. However, the very personal moment when a loved one tells you that he or she is lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender for the first time can still feel challenging.

Imagine this scenario: Your son is home from college for the weekend and he says he has something important to tell you. You take him out to lunch, and over the course of the meal, he tells you that he is gay. The moment he tells you, you may be at a loss for words. You love your son, but you may not know what to say.

Feeling a wide range of emotions, such as surprise, fear, anger, sadness, confusion or relief, is totally natural and can even be healthy. Your culture, religion, political views and family history can add another layer of complicated feelings to the situation. Regardless, if you want to preserve the relationship you have with this person, you will want to work through these emotions so that you can come to a place of acceptance, understanding and compassion.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Remember that your loved one is confiding in you because he or she loves and trusts you, and wants to share this important piece of his/her life with you. Also remember that it has probably taken a lot of courage for this person to be able to talk with you about it.
• Get support from someone who has been there.
• Educate yourself about what it means to be lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered.
• Try not to let labels like “gay” or “homosexual” color how you now see this person. Remind yourself that this is the same person inside, with the same personality, quirks, and strengths she or he had before revealing this new information.
• Remember that you are not alone. One in four families has an immediate family member who is LGBTQ, and most people have at least one LGBTQ individual in their extended circle of friends and family.
• If it is not possible for you to come to a place of acceptance or understanding, at least try to find a way to maintain a civil and respectful connection with the person. Doing your best to keep the lines of communication open can do a lot for your relationship.
• Consider professional help if you are having a hard time coping. Speaking with a therapist at Jewish Community Services (410-466-9200) is a good way to start processing this new information.

 

And, check out these resources:

• “Open Doors” – This is a program for LGBTQ teens that meets on the second Tuesday of each month and features speakers, discussions and activities based on the interests of the participants. For information, visit http://www.jointeens.org, email sarafeldman@jcsbaltimore.org or mliebeskind@jcc.org or call 410-581-9388.
• Parents of LGBTQ – This group for Jewish parents of LGBTQ children meets at the Rosenbloom Owings Mills JCC.  For information, email Melissa Berman at mberman@jcc.org or call 410-559-3593.
• The Keshet Parent and Family Connection – This program is part of the Keshet national grassroots organization that works for the full equality and inclusion of LGBTQ Jews in Jewish life. A local group called The Parent Connection serves parents in the Baltimore/Washington DC area. Trained Jewish parent mentors are available to provide confidential peer support to other parents whose children have identified as LGBTQ. To access this service, log on to https://www.keshetonline.org/program.support-families/ and fill out the required forms. The Keshet program will then make the match with local parents. For information, email Joan Cohen, Senior Manager, Access Services at jcohen@jcsbaltimore.org or call 410-843-7317.
• JQ Baltimore – This is a community-wide organization for Jewish LGBTQ individuals, their families and friends. The group is dedicated to making the Jewish community more welcoming and inclusive. For information, visit http://www.facebook.com/JQBaltimore, email jqbaltimore@gmail.com or call 443-300-8996.
• PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) – PFLAG has a chapter in Baltimore that holds monthly meetings for parents. For education materials, visit http://www.pflag.org. To speak with a parent of an LGBTQ child who can provide support and advice, call the hotline at 443-255-1484.
• JCS – For local and national resources for Jewish LGBTQ individuals and their families, visit http://www.jcsbaltimore.org /Resources/JCS Information and Referral On-Line Database.

 

It may take time to fully process the news and you might have a lot of questions. That’s ok. Just don’t forget to continue to assure your loved one that you still love and care about him or her. Each person’s experience will be unique, but these suggestions will help guide you on your journey to understanding something new about the person you love.

From “Little” to “Big”: A Life Changing Journey

By Robin Nathankern

January is National Mentoring Month.  

I was 9 years old when I met my Big Sister Julie for the first time and I remember being equally excited and nervous. I was a very shy child, and I didn’t say much when we were sitting in my living room with my family. But once we got in the car, I felt very at ease.  Julie knew just the right things to say, and questions to ask, to get me chatting.

The relationship we developed over the next seven years really had a significant impact on my life. Having a relationship with an adult who was not a family member provided a level of stability in my life that was very valuable. Julie played many roles, including friend, sister and mentor.

It was the positive experience of having been mentored as a “Little Sister” that motivated me to volunteer years later as a “Big Sister” with Jewish Community Services.

Julie and I enjoyed many fun activities together, but our go-to activity was to take her dog, Lhotse, to the dog park at Robert E. Lee. I loved spending time with that free-spirited animal, being outside in nature, and, of course, bonding with Julie. We also went to the movies quite a bit, which I loved because it was not a popular activity in my home.

And one of the rare but special treats was when I was allowed to spend the night at her house – on a school night!  We did homework, took the dog on a walk, and watched cable TV.  And, the best part? I got to have Dunkin’ Donuts for breakfast – something my health-conscious mom never would have done. It was nice to have an adult that I knew look out for me, but also let me break the rules a little – something parents don’t often have the luxury of doing.

Perhaps the most special thing about my friendship with Julie was to have something that none of my friends had – something that you couldn’t put a price tag on. It was very tough for me to be a single child, in a single-parent home, going to a private school with kids who were in a more stable financial and familial situation. Even though sometimes it hurt when my mom couldn’t buy me all of the things my friends had, there was this one cool thing that I had that none of them had access to, and that really made me feel special.

Julie and I stayed in touch for years after our match ended when I was 16. Because my Big Sister had such a significant impact on my life, I knew I wanted to give that to another person.  I was eager to become a Big Sister as soon as I was eligible, but I had to wait until I was settled in one city so that I could provide stability in the relationship. I moved back to Baltimore in 2004 and was volunteering with Jewish Big Brother Big Sister by 2005.

I’ve learned so much from this relationship! I’ve learned that I am a great listener, and that just by giving my “Little” the opportunity to be heard, I have made a huge impact on her life. I have always struggled a little with being patient, and this relationship has certainly allowed me to practice and strengthen this skill.

The staff at JCS has been wonderful throughout this match. Any time I’m struggling with an issue, I can reach out to my social worker for immediate assistance.  And, the programs, activities and trainings that are provided are immensely valuable as well.

If you are looking for a rewarding experience, there is no better way to spend your time. While it may seem like a cliché statement, as a Big Sister or Big Brother, you really will receive more from the relationship than you give.

January is National Mentoring Month.  Right now, there are children in our community who need a friend and a mentor.  If you would like to learn more about becoming a Big Sister or Big Brother, please contact Jewish Community Services (JCS) Volunteer Services, 410-466-9200. Getting together with your “Little” twice a month is all it takes, and JCS provides training and support.

Envisioning a New Gordon Center

By Randi Benesch
Managing Director of Arts & Culture
Jewish Community Center of Greater Baltimore

Two years ago the Jewish Community Center (JCC) leadership set out to examine their arts and cultural programming. After surveying the community, they concluded it was time to re-position their focus on arts programming. I took on the role as Managing Director of Arts and Culture in July 2012 to help lead this new, exciting endeavor.

The arts can help strengthen and unite our community and give a voice to our Jewish identity, I want to create a warm and welcoming home to celebrate Jewish art and culture, both on our stages and in our classrooms; to connect us as a Jewish community, to encourage lifelong learning, to explore big ideas, stimulate conversation and, of course, to celebrate! As we grow, we will continue to make sure we are serving our diverse Jewish community, all ages and ethnic groups.

As we get started on this journey, a major focus is partnerships and collaborations, both internally within our JCC departments, and externally with the many Jewish organizations, synagogues and local arts organizations.

Programs
We kicked off the season with a wonderful program with the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra (BSO). BSO Director Marin Alsop joined us, along with Chazzan Perlman from Chizuk Amuno Congregation, for a panel discussion on Leonard Bernstein’s Kaddish.

In January, we will partner with Center Stage to celebrate their 50th anniversary with an evening of snippets from one play in each of the five decades. Also in January, we are partnering with Maryland Public Television to present the season three premiere of the popular Downton Abbey show the night before it airs on PBS. Both programs will be held at The Gordon Center.

This fall, we kicked off a partnership with Pumpkin Theater to lead acting classes for teens and will continue this class in the spring. In March, STOOP Storytelling will come to the Gordon Center to lead a one day storytelling workshop. Collaborating and partnering with all of these wonderful local arts organizations means bringing their great programming out to our JCCs.

Community Engagement
Community engagement is another key piece to our vision, both with our audiences and our local artists. Connecting with local artists and giving them opportunities to create new art here at the JCC is crucial. We want to build a community, a network, of local Jewish artists who will start to consider the JCC as one of their artistic homes.

We started this fall in the lobby of the Rosenbloom Owings Mills JCC. In the days leading up to Sukkot, a local visual artist painted on silk fabrics which soon became the walls of the Sukkah. It was a wonderful experience for our members to see the process take shape.

In November, we presented Sheldon Low, one of the leaders on the Jewish rock scene, here at the Gordon Center, for a beautiful havdalah service followed by a rockin’ concert for all ages. We collaborated with local synagogues, camps and groups to give them an opportunity to perform live on-stage with Sheldon Low. It was a wonderful community event.

We will continue to engage our community in fun holiday celebrations, challah baking workshops, Hanukah candle making workshops, Tot Shabbats and more. With every professional artist we present in the Gordon, we also want to make sure we give the community a chance to interact and learn from these artists through master classes, workshops or panel discussions.

Of course, we will continue to nurture and grow our existing arts and cultural programs. These include the popular Jewish Film Festival and annual Cinefest, Hazamir (our Jewish teen choir), Jewish Theater Workshop (our community theater group) arts classes for all ages in a variety of disciplines, art gallery exhibits in both Park Heights and Owings Mills, Arts Camp, ArtsFest and of course the wonderful multi-disciplinary presenting series in the Gordon Center with professional local and national artists.

As schools continue to cut back their arts programming, the Jewish Community Center can help fill the void. With the expansion of the Early Childhood Center and the new space for Jewish Community Services, the third floor of that space is a 10,000 square foot area that will be designated as new educational space for Arts and Culture. It’s an incredible opportunity as we embark on this campaign to raise the necessary funds to create this new space. We want to engage the next generation of arts lovers and give them a gateway to connect, create and learn. This new state-of-the-art center will allow us to do that!

The arts are a part of who we are as Jews. We want the JCC to truly be a place for everyone. We are looking forward to having you join us on this journey.

For suggestions on artists you’d like to see us present, programs you think we should create, or other organizations or individuals we should be partnering with, email Randi Benesch at rbenesch@jcc.org.

Learn more about our Center Stage program>>

Purchase tickets now>>

So You Want to Start Your Own Business?

By Ronnie Green
Career Coach
Jewish Community Services

Many people dream of being the King of their world by starting their own business. No boss to answer to, no time clock to punch, just doing what they’ve always dreamed about.

But even, if you have an idea that “can’t fail,” slow down a minute. Everyone knows about the sinking of the legendary Titanic 100 years ago. You do not want your exciting new initiative to share the same tragic ending.

There are many issues to consider before starting your own business. Selecting the right time is essential. My nephew started a high level pocketbook business at the beginning of the recession. Unfortunately, it did not succeed.

On the other hand, the timing could be especially good right now, because of President Obama’s initiative to provide financial support to small businesses.* It feels counter-intuitive, but in a bad job market, which this clearly is, niche market opportunities emerge and jobs are often created with the start of new businesses.

But be cautious. You need a reality check to tell the difference between the vision of your dreams and what actually works. In an article by Nina and Tim Zagat, “So You’re Thinking of Opening a Restaurant,”** their opinion was: “Don’t do it!”  They maintain that in order to be successful as a restaurateur, you need to be a real estate wiz, a purchasing expert, a marketing guru, an incredible team leader and even a plumber!  Are you prepared to do what it takes, take on all tasks and structure your life around this enterprise?

It’s fine to have a dream, as long as it is firmly founded in reality. Here is helpful advice:

1. Is there a market need for your product or service? Are there many, many people who could benefit? How is your product or service different from what is already out there?
2. You need to create a business plan that forces you to answer important questions about marketability, sustainability, funding sources, pricing strategy, organizational structure, sourcing technology and measuring milestones. The Small Business Administration and SCORE are two valuable resources.
3. Be prepared to finance the venture yourself. Small business loans are unheard of today. Are you willing to do without a steady paycheck?
4. Speak to people and network with other professionals in the industry. Jewish Community Services hosts monthly Entrepreneur and Business Meetups, which give business professionals opportunities to network, share challenges and help each other.  New social media strategies are encouraged.
5. Get a job in the kind of business you’d like to start, and learn about it from the inside.

The best advice I’ve heard is to learn from the mistakes of other people. Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg approached his peers, Steve Jobs, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates and asked them, “If you could do it over, what would you do differently?”

A successful business starts with a good idea, followed by a successful plan. Do your homework and don’t let your dreams go down with the ship!

*Learn more about President Obama’s initiative to provide financial support to small businesses>>
**Wall Street Journal, April 7, 2011

The next JCS Entrepreneur and Business Meetup will be on Tuesday, January 29, 2013, from 5:30 – 7:30 p.m. at the Jewish Community Center community room, 5700 Park Heights Avenue.

Pre-register and learn more about future Meetups, visit http://www.meetup.com/JCSEBM or call 410-843-7433.

Solutions to Elder Care

By Jacqueline Kreinik, R.N., M.S., CMC,
Manager, Elder Care Services
Jewish Community Services

With so many people living longer today, most of us eventually are going to be taking care of an aging relative, whether it’s a parent, spouse or other family member — if we aren’t already doing so. No matter how good our relationships with our loved ones may be, the responsibilities and stresses of care-giving can feel overwhelming, and they’re intensified when we feel we have to handle things alone.

Caregivers say they are most concerned about:

• Safety: Will Dad fall? What if Mom can’t climb the stairs in her house any longer? Will she forget to turn off the tea kettle or oven? Should my spouse still be driving?
• Medication: Who will reliably fill prescriptions? Is Dad managing his medications and taking them on time?
• Navigating the health care system: Who can keep track of so many doctors’ appointments, forms to fill out, and differing advice? How do you get to the person you need to speak to?
• Isolation: If Mom can’t drive any longer, how will she get to important  appointments and see her friends?
• Finding resources: What alternative housing arrangements are available? When is it time to move to a facility that provides support services? How to find a reliable companion or home health care service?

The good news is that you don’t have to deal with these challenges alone. There are resources to help families.

One of the best is Elder Care (or Senior Care) Management. Many people aren’t familiar with this comprehensive service. Simply put, Elder Care Management supports older individuals in their desire to continue living in their own homes or in other settings (assisted living facilities, CCRC’s, or skilled nursing homes) with maximum independence and dignity.

A certified Elder Care Manager can become a caregiver’s best friend. When families first contact an Elder Care Manager (ECM), they learn that this professional, who is also a licensed nurse and social worker with expertise in aging, can visit their elder’s home to assess safety factors, as well as their loved one’s current physical, emotional, cognitive and social health.The ECM can then make recommendations and design a personalized plan of care.

With a wealth of expertise, knowledge and connections, an ECM can cut through red tape, navigate the health care system, coordinate medical care, and get results, saving you time and many headaches. The ECM advocates for your older relative and collaborates with the family, almost like becoming part of a team. The ECM can gather information and resources and help you make informed decisions that are right for your family.

A good Elder Care Manager is someone to lean on, someone who is always there for you. By taking many responsibilities and dilemmas off your shoulders and by helping you plan for the future, the ECM allows you to focus on your relationship with your loved one and ensure him or her the best quality of life.

If you are a caregiver who would like some support, we invite you to call an Elder Care specialist and learn more about how Elder Care Management can help you.

For more information, call Jewish Community Services, 410-466-9200.

Check out “Caring for Elders Leads to New Profession,” a profile on Jacqueline in the December issue of The Beacon>>

Teambuilding in the Workplace

By Heléne Kass
Career Coach
Jewish Community Services

“Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.”
- Henry Ford

“None of us is as smart as all of us.”
- Ken Blanchard

Some of us think that we go to work to get a job done and that building a team is irrelevant. But these quotes from two business gurus certainly emphasize a different perspective: that teamwork is essential for getting the job done with efficiency, productivity, innovation and success.

In the words of Andrew Carnegie, teamwork is “the ability to work together toward a common vision…the ability to direct individual accomplishments toward organizational objectives. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results.”

We all know the sayings, “Two heads are better than one” and “There is strength in numbers.”  They reflect the truth that teams have resources that individuals don’t have.

For a team to accomplish what one person cannot do alone, several conditions are necessary:

• Soliciting and listening to each person’s opinions and ideas with respect
• Valuing each person’s unique contribution
• Honest communication
• Willingness to put ego aside and work together towards a common goal
• A skilled group facilitator serving as team leader, or a team comprised of individuals who are willing and able to serve with rotating leadership roles and functions.

Teambuilding also requires that we make a T.R.U.C.E. We need to Trust, Respect, Understand, Collaborate and be Enthusiastic with one another. To build an effective team, we must make a truce from:

• Gossip: talking about people when they are not present
• Hierarchy: arranging group members in ranks of power and seniority, when members are categorized according to importance. Hierarchy means every individual does not count or get equal voice.
• Communication barriers:  not allowing us to speak freely about the problems we see. Sometimes these barriers are personal and internal, such as a lack of assertiveness or fear of going out on a limb, of being laughed at. Sometimes the barriers are systemic and external: a boss who doesn’t ask, or an organizational culture that is controlling or views the outspoken person as a threat. When barriers are removed, teams can solve problems creatively with input from all.
• Sabotaging: undermining another’s efforts, not keeping an open mind, not being willing to change
• “Yes-butting:” “That’s a good idea but…” “I understand what you want but…”  By shifting our attitude to “Yes, and….” remarkable openings for collaboration become possible. Think in terms of “That’s a good idea and … I wonder how we can pull it off.”  “I understand what you want and… I would like some additional guidance.”

 

Team building requires shared vision, values and goals. In the words of Stephen Covey, “Interdependent people combine their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve their greatest success.”

Here’s a bit of final inspiration to take back with you into your workplace:

It is amazing how much people get done if they do not worry about who gets the credit.
- Swahili proverb

Join Jewish Community Services’ (JCS) monthly Entrepreneur and Business Meetup where current and future business owners can brainstorm, network and collaborate>>

Check out JCS’ Institute for Professional Development offering professional development workshops for social workers and other human service providers, who can earn CEUs>>

For more information, call 410-843-7433.

Teaching Our Children About Stranger Danger

By Joan Grayson Cohen, LCSW-C, Esq.
Access Services
Jewish Community Services

When growing up, how many of us heard “Don’t talk to strangers or “Don’t accept candy from strangers.” Does that advice still apply today? If so, what meaning does it have for our children?   What are the specific dangers that we need to be talking to our kids about?

“Don’t talk to strangers” seemed to cover danger when I was growing up. I felt that if I abided by this rule I was safe. I had to have my Halloween candy checked by my parents before I indulged in those treats, but there wasn’t a lot more that I had to worry about.

We very rarely heard of missing children or children being harmed by strangers. Internet dangers were an unknown threat. (I have to admit it; we didn’t even have personal computers when I was a child.)  So when raising my own children, I had to expand my knowledge on what dangers to teach them about and what tools I had to arm them with to keep themselves safe.

When our children are younger, we can protect them more easily because we have control over who they are with and where they go. But, we still need to begin “stranger danger” and other safety conversations at an early age.

As our children venture out into the world, they find themselves in situations where they will need to make decisions about safety on their own. Different stages bring on new challenges.   Elementary school children need to learn not to go with strangers. Middle schoolers should be aware of what to say to a caller. They should not answer the door when they are at home alone. Because predators on the internet present a new kind of “stranger danger,” children need to learn about internet safety.

I am not trying to scare you, but rather to encourage parents to initiate conversations about safety with their children in order to prepare and protect them.

The key is to find the balance. If we alarm or scare our children, we are just creating anxiety.  Instead, we need to arm them with the awareness and the strategies to prepare them to keep themselves safe as they are growing up. Understand what information will be helpful to have at a certain age and share that when youngsters are about to encounter new experiences and environments.

This is not a one-time conversation, but many conversations that must take place as a child develops. Each discussion reinforces the earlier ones, while adding more information as the child can understand it. Then they can pull out the information when it is needed, almost like hearing an inner voice saying what to do in a particular situation.

Here are some tips:

• Know your child and determine how much information is sufficient to give him about important safety issues so as not to cause unnecessary alarm.
• Give your child specific examples so that if he encounters that scenario, he will know what to do. For example, is it OK to respond to a stranger who asks, “What’s your name?” in a store when you are with Mommy, but not when you are by yourself?
• Role -play a situation so your child can practice how to react. For example, how would your child know if it was safe to go with an adult who tells him, “Your mother sent me to get you?” Role-play how your child should answer the phone when parents are out. What would you tell your child to say when the caller asks, “When will your parents be back?”

By giving our children information and tools, we create a safe place where they are able to ask questions and learn strategies to protect themselves.

However, we all know that there are times when, despite a parent’s and a child’s best efforts, a child could fall victim to danger. If something should happen, having developed good lines of communication and trust with our children will enable them to tell us about a troubling experience.

Our job as parents is to find the balance: without frightening our children. We need to teach them to be savvy and to exercise a healthy caution in order to navigate safely in the world.

Check out these websites with some of the new tricks predators are using:

• http://www.ortv.org/Charter/17_lures_predators_may_use.htm
• http://voices.yahoo.com/stranger-danger-tricks-lures-child-predator-662297.html

Learn about programs, services, education and support for parents and families with children of all ages>>

For more information, call 410-466-9200.

Keys to a Successful Job Search

By Mary Blake
Senior Manager, Career Services
Jewish Community Services’

Did you know that the current unemployment rate for teens ages 16 to 19 is 23.7 percent?  These days, working is a necessity for many teens but they lack the tools they need to advance their job search. How can these inexperienced job seekers get ahead?

Most teens have never been coached in vital skills like how or where to look for a job, complete an application, write an effective resume and cover letter, network, complete applications, utilize social media in a job search, and the best ways to interview and follow-up, explains Deborah Weksberg, Career Coach of Jewish Community Services (JCS)

When looking for a job, Weksberg recommends the following tips for teens:

Resume writing
Create a resume for each job description that is tailored to the specific job requirements and “translate” your skills. For example, if you were the soccer team captain, your leadership skills may be pressed into service as anything from a shift leader at Appleby’s to a mother’s helper “leading” five children through their recreational paces.

Networking
Post your job search goal on your Facebook page, and ask your “friends” to refer you to their employers or let you know who is hiring. Post your resume as well, so a “friend” could show it to a parent who is an employer, for example.

Interviewing
Have questions prepared for the interviewer about the business or the job – questions that are not about vacation or salary. For example, “What is the greatest challenge in this job?”

A discouraged teenage job seeker is more likely to grow up to become a discouraged adult worker with a greater risk of being underpaid and even unemployed. To help teens in their job search, JCS Career Services has launched “Keys to a Successful Job Search,” an exciting new program designed specifically for teens ages 14-19, in collaboration with JOIN for Teens. “Keys to a Successful Job Search” can help younger job seekers succeed today and develop skills that will last throughout their lifetime.

“Keys to a Successful Job Search” offers practical advice on the important skills that will help young adults find and maintain employment in this challenging economy and beyond. Professional JCS Career Coaches will facilitate workshops at various dates, times and locations from October 2012 through March 2013. Teens can mix and match to choose a menu convenient for them.

Thanks to a generous grant from the Grandchildren of Harvey M. and Lyn P. Meyerhoff Philanthropic Fund, all of these programs are free. Participants are simply asked to pre-register. (Click here for the complete schedule of workshops.)

In addition, there will be opportunities to meet personally with a Career Coach, and to connect with potential employers through Job Fairs and JCS Job Developers, who establish and maintain relationships with local employers.

For more information, email Deborah Weksberg, Career Coach, or call 410-843-7437.