Teaching Our Children About Stranger Danger

By Joan Grayson Cohen, LCSW-C, Esq.
Access Services
Jewish Community Services

When growing up, how many of us heard “Don’t talk to strangers or “Don’t accept candy from strangers.” Does that advice still apply today? If so, what meaning does it have for our children?   What are the specific dangers that we need to be talking to our kids about?

“Don’t talk to strangers” seemed to cover danger when I was growing up. I felt that if I abided by this rule I was safe. I had to have my Halloween candy checked by my parents before I indulged in those treats, but there wasn’t a lot more that I had to worry about.

We very rarely heard of missing children or children being harmed by strangers. Internet dangers were an unknown threat. (I have to admit it; we didn’t even have personal computers when I was a child.)  So when raising my own children, I had to expand my knowledge on what dangers to teach them about and what tools I had to arm them with to keep themselves safe.

When our children are younger, we can protect them more easily because we have control over who they are with and where they go. But, we still need to begin “stranger danger” and other safety conversations at an early age.

As our children venture out into the world, they find themselves in situations where they will need to make decisions about safety on their own. Different stages bring on new challenges.   Elementary school children need to learn not to go with strangers. Middle schoolers should be aware of what to say to a caller. They should not answer the door when they are at home alone. Because predators on the internet present a new kind of “stranger danger,” children need to learn about internet safety.

I am not trying to scare you, but rather to encourage parents to initiate conversations about safety with their children in order to prepare and protect them.

The key is to find the balance. If we alarm or scare our children, we are just creating anxiety.  Instead, we need to arm them with the awareness and the strategies to prepare them to keep themselves safe as they are growing up. Understand what information will be helpful to have at a certain age and share that when youngsters are about to encounter new experiences and environments.

This is not a one-time conversation, but many conversations that must take place as a child develops. Each discussion reinforces the earlier ones, while adding more information as the child can understand it. Then they can pull out the information when it is needed, almost like hearing an inner voice saying what to do in a particular situation.

Here are some tips:

• Know your child and determine how much information is sufficient to give him about important safety issues so as not to cause unnecessary alarm.
• Give your child specific examples so that if he encounters that scenario, he will know what to do. For example, is it OK to respond to a stranger who asks, “What’s your name?” in a store when you are with Mommy, but not when you are by yourself?
• Role -play a situation so your child can practice how to react. For example, how would your child know if it was safe to go with an adult who tells him, “Your mother sent me to get you?” Role-play how your child should answer the phone when parents are out. What would you tell your child to say when the caller asks, “When will your parents be back?”

By giving our children information and tools, we create a safe place where they are able to ask questions and learn strategies to protect themselves.

However, we all know that there are times when, despite a parent’s and a child’s best efforts, a child could fall victim to danger. If something should happen, having developed good lines of communication and trust with our children will enable them to tell us about a troubling experience.

Our job as parents is to find the balance: without frightening our children. We need to teach them to be savvy and to exercise a healthy caution in order to navigate safely in the world.

Check out these websites with some of the new tricks predators are using:

• http://www.ortv.org/Charter/17_lures_predators_may_use.htm
• http://voices.yahoo.com/stranger-danger-tricks-lures-child-predator-662297.html

Learn about programs, services, education and support for parents and families with children of all ages>>

For more information, call 410-466-9200.

What is the Best Way to Get My Kids Involved in Charitable Giving?

By Lauren Klein
Director of Family Philanthropy
The Center for Funds & Foundations
THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore

Let me begin by saying that there is not one right answer. Just like our kids don’t come with manuals, there is no set of instructions for raising philanthropically-minded children. I wish there was because then it would be so much easier.

Some say it’s a good idea to introduce the concept of tzedakah as early as possible, that life lessons are learned when the children are young. Others say it’s better to wait until a child is ready to take on the responsibility from a place of maturity.

You have to decide the right path for your family, but I believe that engaging the next generation should be an ongoing process that is constantly reinforced – not a one-time event.

I do want to dispel one myth. Many people think family philanthropy requires having a fund or foundation in their name. But, that’s simply not true. Whether your children are five, 15 or 25, there are age appropriate ways to involve them in your family’s charitable giving.

My first piece of advice is easy. Talk to your children about your own charitable giving. Most people assume their family knows why they give to particular organizations. I encourage you to take the time to tell them why. And, tell them why you want them to be charitable as well.

The next step is to involve your kids in the process. There are simple ways to empower your children to take ownership of their giving. For example, in one family I know, the money the young sons contribute to the tzedakah box at Hebrew school comes jointly from the parents and the boys themselves.

You can also sit down with your children and ask them to identify a problem they want to fix or a cause in which they are passionate. If they are very young, you might give them a few options, such as donating holiday gifts for at-risk children or buying winter coats for people who don’t have them. The more you involve your children in the process of giving back, the more they’ll be invested in what you are doing. Allow them to choose the organizations. They’ll feel more connected.

If you have teenage children, encourage them to volunteer for a cause that is important to them. Or, take one day a month to do something in the community together.  Jewish Volunteer Connection, a program of THE ASSOCIATED: Jewish Community Federation of Baltimore, can help identify the right placement for you and your family to get involved.

I know that college students are even harder to engage than teenagers, but there are ways to talk to them about charitable giving. As you gather around the Thanksgiving table in a couple of months, talk about what you are thankful for in your own lives and identify organizations to which you would like to donate your time and/or money. You might try asking the following questions to start the conversation:

• What is your favorite organization and why?
• If you could solve any problem, what would it be?
• If you had $1 million to give away, how would you do it?

And, if you will be traveling in the next few months, consider using your vacation as an opportunity to give back. One family that I know visits a Jewish community whenever they travel and spends the day volunteering there together.

The new year has just begun, and we are all busy with myriad commitments. Yet, I encourage you to start a conversation with your kids about tzedakah and involve them in the process. I think you will be pleasantly surprised with the outcome.

You’re Number One

By Amy Schwartz
Fitness & Wellness Director, Jewish Community Center

Is your life about volunteering for school, cleaning up messes, making snacks, planning meals, driving to school, scheduling play dates, etc.? Do you feel guilty when you do something for yourself?

Making “you” a priority helps the whole family. Having a family is one of the greatest joys in life. But it can also be one of the hardest parts of your life to integrate with your exercise routine. Why? Because people often put their families before themselves – often going so far as to forget their own needs.

Since most of us already know that we should take care of ourselves—but often have trouble figuring out how to do it—here are some guidelines for getting there:

• Protect the “physical” you with adequate sleep, regular exercise, and good nutrition.
• Value the “emotional” you as much as the physical, with a support system of friends.
• Schedule fun activities often—it’s just as important to plan pleasure as it is to plan work.
• Combine family time with exercise—go for a hike, ride bikes, play Frisbee, go to the park.
• And finally, learn to say “No!” Reserve your “yes” for the things that are most important to you.

Just remember – you are as important as your kids. Yes, your family needs your time and energy. Taking care of yourself sets a great example. Positive energy creates more positive energy. The happier and healthier you are, the happier and healthier your kids and spouse will be.

There are so many time efficient ways to get in at least an hour of fitness that will help you be healthy. Group fitness classes provide a social atmosphere, great energy and extra motivation – or hire a personal trainer to help you meet your personal fitness goals.

Want to learn more about group fitness classes or personal training at the JCC? Contact Lynn Rosen-Stone (Owings Mills JCC) 410-559-3535 or Jackie Foreman (Park Heights JCC) 410-500-5919.

The Magic of Outdoor Play

By Sarah Shapiro, LCSW-C
School Consultant, Jewish Community Services

Where are the magical spaces of your childhood? Do your children have such a place?

Last spring, Meredith Jacobs posed these questions during one of her “Connecting Family” broadcasts on WYPR and it really got me thinking. Magical spaces are the places we go for peace and for play.

As a child, my magical space was the big rock in our front yard upon which my siblings and I and the neighborhood kids all climbed and alternatively pretended it was a mountain, a boat or a home. (In later years, when I returned to my childhood home, I was shocked to discover that our “big rock” was in reality not so large.) As an adult, my magical space is on a lake in Maine where I relaxed and swam in years past. I can go there in my mind whenever I need to de-stress.

Today the average American child spends more than eight hours a week in front of a screen, be it TV, computer, phone or gaming system. While our kids are adept at mastering virtual situations, their experiences in the real world of person-to-person contact are diminishing, as is their interaction with the natural world.

Meredith Jacobs talked about the documentary Play Again, which emphasizes the importance of engaging children in creative outdoor activity. The film follows six typical American teenagers on their first wilderness adventure and looks at the consequences of a childhood deprived of nature and the benefits of being in nature.

The outdoors provides children with amazing opportunities for unstructured play, an activity which, sadly, has declined in recent years as families have become overwhelmed with hectic schedules and focused on academic achievement. Play helps children develop physically, emotionally, socially and cognitively, especially when the activities are not overly structured by adults.

Through outdoor physical play, such as climbing trees, jumping rope, building snowmen or skipping stones, children “practice and master physical skills,” including muscle and motor development and coordination, says Rae Pica in “Take It Outside!” By burning calories and letting out energy, they are also less at risk for obesity and heart disease. Imaginative and inventive play, whether in a tree house or by a stream, promotes cognitive development.

Being outdoors gives kids opportunities to use all their senses, to run and yell, and even to get dirty. Outdoor play also nurtures children’s social and emotional development by providing opportunities for them to learn important social skills like taking turns, communicating, negotiating and sharing.

“They feel safe and in control, which promotes autonomy, decision-making and organizational skills,” as well as initiative and competence,” says Pica.

Building in time for outdoor play is harder once the school year begins and the days start to get shorter, but it’s important for children’s physical and mental health. With many schools reducing or eliminating recess, children are spending more hours indoors.  So make time, either right after school or as a break during homework, for your child to unwind outdoors. Don’t forget about the weekends, too.

Throughout the year, remember to provide your child with plenty of opportunities to engage in spontaneous and voluntary outdoor play. Outside activities enable us to absorb fresh air, investigate plant and animal life and engage the imagination. Positive outdoor experiences in early life can help prepare children and whet their appetites for more challenging and independent outdoor experiences in adolescence and adulthood.

Familiarity with the outdoors will also help to ensure that our next generation is invested in protecting their environment so the great outdoors will remain full of magical spaces for years to come.

JCS professional child development experts can help with concerns about your child’s mental and emotional growth and well-being. Call 410-466-9200 or visit www.jcsbaltimore.org.

Watch the “Play Again” documentary>>

Check out these resources from Early Childhood News:
Hug a Tree and Other Things to Do Outdoors with Young Children, by Robert Rockwell, Robert Williams and Elizabeth Sherwood, Gryphon House, 1983
Sharing Nature with Children, by Joseph Bharat Cornell, Ananda Press, 1982

Camp Tzedek: Little Hands Doing Big Things

By Stacey Getz
Camp Tzedek committee

Every year my college friends and I get together for a “girl’s retreat” to catch-up on life and enjoy our long-lasting relationships. Topics of conversation have varied greatly over the years, but at this point they naturally gravitate toward our children.

Last year as we sat around thinking about summer plans, someone in our group expressed interest in teaching our young children about giving back to the community. It turned out that one of my friends had started a program in her home town with other families – a one-week community service camp for elementary-age children.

Of course! In thinking about my own children, who attend one of Baltimore’s Jewish day schools, I’m happy to say that they know something about community service and performing mitzvahs. But the idea of a one-week summer experience with multiple mitzvah projects really made sense to take it to the next level.

After receiving enthusiastic responses from other families in my area, I contacted Jewish Volunteer Connection and made the suggestion. Before we knew it, “Camp Tzedek: Little Hands Doing Big Things” was the newest pilot program for the summer of 2012.

We then asked ourselves what should these youngsters do for their mitzvah projects during the one-week camp period? Spend a morning at Kayam Farm learning about the environment? Yes. Visit Weinberg Village and get to know some of the senior residents? Great. Listen to a speaker from Healthcare for the Homeless and create care packages? Absolutely. As long as this experience stuck to the goal of exploring the Jewish people’s role in Tikkun Olam (repairing the world) through interactive and fun activities, the possibilities were (and are) endless.

And, naturally, knowing that it is still camp, we plan to offer traditional camp activities, including swimming and games every day.

Thanks to a conversation started by moms and the hard work of Jewish Volunteer Connection, Jewish Baltimore has a new way to engage our children.

Register for Camp Tzedek now>>

For more information, contact Dayna Leder at dleder@associated.org or 410-843-7491.

Family Life Unplugged

 

By Lara Nicolson
Family Engagement Program Associate
Macks Center for Jewish Education (CJE)

It is an exciting time of transition in the literacy of both my children. My 4 ½ -year old is starting to sound-out and read sight words while my 6-year old can read independently and enjoys reading bedtime books to her brother.  My husband and I have always enjoyed the ritual of reading with them after bath when they are cuddly and warm and starting to feel sleepy. They also love this time together and if we miss it, they truly don’t settle as well. I am starting to feel a little sad that our reading habits may change and that in a few years they may no longer want to snuggle with mommy and daddy but will be under the covers with flashlights and their favorite adventure chapter books till all hours.

My kids are voracious readers and we visit the library regularly to pick out dozens of new books to enjoy. We also enjoy building our own Jewish library with our monthly PJ library book selections and some of our favorites have been:  Five Little Gefiltes by David Horowitz, Bagels from Benny by Aubrey Davis and Hanna’s Sabbath Dress by Itzhak Schweiger-Dmi’el.

We are such enthusiasts that we were featured in the Baltimore Sun describing how PJ library has enhanced our family’s Jewish experience. My kids are so excited to receive their own mail in the form of that white PJ library envelope addressed to them, which holds the promise of a new book or CD. Once, we were at a friend’s house and a PJ library envelope arrived in their mailbox. My daughter, astonished that someone else also got this special treat, realized that we are part of a larger community of PJ families and was so proud to share this with her friend.

The fact that I work for PJ library (after volunteering as a PJ parent) is another source of pride for my children. Although daddy works in a fancy office with friendly co-workers who dish out M&M’s, mommy still has the coolest job. I imagine my children think I sit and address the PJ library books myself and send them out all over the world (almost like non-Jewish children see Santa and his elves). To be honest this is done from a national location but I won’t spoil it for them now. When they age out of PJ at 6 1/2- years-old, I know our family will continue to build our Jewish library and I am now inspired to buy the books for them.  If you don’t yet receive the PJ library books, sign up now.

We have really enjoyed expanding our PJ experience by meeting other families at the PJ on the Town events.  At the December Aquarium event, which was co-sponsored by Beth-El Congregation, my children loved the dolphin show and the fruit sushi roll-ups as well as the stories and crafts. My daughter was most excited that a classmate from her school was there to share the time with her (another PJ friend).  In January, we all rode the train at the B&O Railroad Museum with Temple Oheb Shalom and my children again found new friends who helped them complete the last few scavenger hunt questions they could not find. They loved the program at one of their all-time favorite museums – The Walters Art Museum with Baltimore Hebrew Congregation and seeing the faces of the rabbis and teachers they know.  And seeing Poe, the Baltimore Raven’s mascot, at the Sports Legends Museum, co-sponsored by Har Sinai Congregation, was very exciting. Check out the CJE Facebook page to see photos from these events, and register now for the next PJ on the Town.

For me, PJ library means unplugging from the iPod, TV and fast pace of our lives and being a family together and sharing our special places with new friends.  I would love to hear from you: how has PJ library touched your life?

Are We Overscheduling Our Children?

By: Jacki Ashkin, LCSW-C,
Senior Manager, Resource Development/Marketing
Jewish Community Services

We all know the proverb: “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” As I think of the demands placed on children these days, I often worry that we might be raising a generation of Jacks.

When I recall my childhood, I remember spontaneous games of dodge ball and Red Rover in our neighborhood; spending hours in the woods behind our houses exploring tree forts, pretending we were special agents being chased by “bad guys.”  We would lie on our backs tracing animal shapes in the clouds; trying to make whistling sounds through blades of grass.  Even now, decades later, the sweet smell of honeysuckle in a warm breeze instantly takes me back and I feel a rush of joy remembering that sense of pure freedom.  Back then, there was plenty of time for getting lost in imagination and free play.

Today, children’s lives seem more structured and scheduled — dare I say, over-scheduled. It sometimes seems raising children has become a competitive sport.  Parents feel pressured to make sure their kids are the best, the brightest, the most athletic, the most artistic.  True, there are more opportunities for extra-curricular activities now than when we were kids, but somehow we have been brainwashed into thinking we’re bad parents if we don’t give our children all of those opportunities. How will they succeed if they don’t do it all?  As a result, everyday life seems to take place at hyper-speed as we rush our children from one activity to another – school, religious school, organized sports, art lessons, clubs, community service, tutors, etc.

What’s happened to the joy of just being a kid?  Children are becoming so used to having all their free time structured for them and guided by rules, how will they develop the internal creative skills they need?  Many lack the ability to manage boredom, to “think outside the box,” to create their own happiness, or even to relax.

Our intentions are good, but we may have forgotten the importance of having balance in our lives and we are inadvertently passing that pressure along to our children. This can be a recipe for burn-out and it comes at a cost to kids and families.  Fatigue, irritability, anger, trouble concentrating, meltdowns, sleep problems, slipping grades, anxiety, even headaches and stomach aches may well be signs of overload.

As you set schedules and priorities, consider these tips:
Create balance.  Cramming a huge number of activities into the school year with the justification that “we’ll get to relax in the summer,” doesn’t work.  Throughout the year, it’s important to give kids time to hang out and play with friends.  This builds a sense of self and sets patterns for our children’s future relationships.  We want our children to feel that they are loved and appreciated for who they are, not just for what they accomplish.

Be a role model.  Children need to see that we also value unstructured time and that we make time for the family to slow down and connect with each other.

Trust your instincts.  If life feels too hectic and busy, it probably is.  Look at what’s filling up the schedule and, maybe even more importantly, what’s missing (like family time and down time).  Make some hard (and at times unpopular) decisions about what shifts you can make, what activities you or your child may have to give up, cut back, or delay for now. Work to restore a balance.

Listen to your child, but also pay attention to the non-verbal ques. Ask if your child if he/she feels the days are too busy, or if he/she wishes there was more time to play with friends or just relax after school.  Remember, if you’ve been living the overscheduled lifestyle, your child may not realize there’s an alternative and may say everything is fine.  So attend to the non-verbal signs of overload which speak volumes and may contradict your child’s words.  Be careful not to slip into a rationalization like, “but my child likes doing all these activities.” Children like candy too, but we know too much isn’t good for them, so we limit how much we let them eat. Similarly, if too many activities are overloading your child and your family, you need to set limits because that is what’s best for your child’s well-being.

Before adding another activity, weigh the costs.  Consider how this new activity will affect your child and everyone else in the family: financially, emotionally, physically, socially, etc.

Don’t rush to rescue your child from boredom.  Make a few suggestions, but let your child figure out what to do with his/her time. This offers the opportunity to develop creativity and problem solving skills which are essential throughout life.

As parents, we want the best for our children.  But in this increasingly complex and competitive world, one of the greatest gifts we can give them is the freedom to discover the simple joys and wonders of childhood.  Soon enough they will have to settle down in the ordered adult world, but with your help, blissful memories like fireflies, kickball, and family Scrabble games will keep childhood alive in their hearts.

Techno-Savvy Grandparents Keep in Touch

By Irene Kushner
Support Services Coordinator
Service Coordination, Jewish Community Services

Last year, the nation marked the 65th birthday of the first Baby Boomers.  The rate at which this age group has adapted to technology is understandably lagging behind the generations who have come after them. But the rate at which their children and grandchildren are using technology is climbing very fast.

Today, millions of American families are separated by distances that are too wide to make day-to-day grand-parenting possible.   Just look around.  How many of your friends, colleagues or neighbors live in families with three generations present? How many grandparents live near their children and grandchildren?

The more family trees branch off — as children head out of state to college, Boomers relocate for work, and grandparents move to warmer areas — the harder it is to stay in touch.  Geographical distances strain the real life, face-to-face relationships that we value.   It’s very easy to take important relationships and slide them to the side if they are not in front of you as often as those on your computer or phone.

Many grandparents will tell you they’ll do everything they possibly can to communicate with their grandkids.  Most Boomers understand they must jump on the Facebook/Skype/texting bandwagon, or be left permanently out of the loop.  Grandparents are using their own ingenuity to keep their grandchildren emotionally close, and more and more are embracing the new technology.  They reap enormous emotional benefits through online communication with family and friends.  The Internet uplifts their spirits and creates new life for them, making them feel young again. Video conferencing is the most satisfying experience that enables seniors to see and talk with their loved ones in real time.

Here’s what seniors are saying:

“I’ve got 2 grandkids. If I send them a text, they will respond 10 times quicker than they’ll respond to a voice mail.”

“I can log on to Facebook to see what my grandkids are doing through their posts.  I love seeing pictures of their activities and travels.”

“You can write messages any time to your grandchildren without disturbing them.”

“I get a thrill out of impressing my granddaughter with my technical know-how.”

We grew up with lined paper and the heft of a fine writing instrument.  But now there is an entire generation of kids growing up who have never experienced what life was like before social networking sites.  There are a million arguments for completely ignoring Facebook and other social media:

“Why can’t they just…?”

“What was wrong with…?”

“Hand-written this or that…”

And nobody under the age of 40 cares about any of it.  None of it matters anymore.  We are old dogs who must betray the saying and learn new tricks. We must commit to keeping up with the way that communication happens today, or else it will be happening among all the people we care about, without us.

Do you think it’s the adult children’s responsibility to make sure seniors or grandparents don’t feel they are left behind, to set up the various communication lines and make it happen?  Sure, it takes time and a little patience to do this.  But isn’t it also one way of showing that we value and care for our elders, and that we want our children to enjoy special relationships with their grandparents?

Want more articles like this one? View our Seniors Blog>>